July 4th weekend. My biggest decision is which beach bonfire and BBQ to go to. We are still incommunicado - apparently the phone minutes don't commence again until around the 7th. In a way it is like he is kind of fading away - perhaps its because I didn't realize how the calls with all the shouting and clanking in the background were constant and painful reminders of where he is. Without them, I write my daily letter to him and go on with my day, my life, my world of color and light and fresh air.
Selfish?? I don't think so. I think of a message I heard from a Toltec teacher last week that said,
" In reality, no one can make us happy. No one can make us unhappy. You are the only one that can give you heaven. You are the only one that can give you hell."
It is true. I did not give him this hell. I do not need to live in hell as a result of his choice. I can still love him and choose heaven they are not mutually exclusive. He can choose heaven too - now or when ever he decides he is finished punishing himself. I have chosen to no longer be punished by his decisions. I feel the day brighten even though the sky is a mass of clouds.
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