Doubt may take a bite out of love, but I have discovered it has a best friend called, GUILT. This time mine and what is my sentence? In the back of my brain I see a judge sitting astutely at her bench. She has a remarkable resemblance to Judge Judy. Her lips draw tight and she squints hard into my eyes. "I sentence you to a life without love and in addition, due to the particularly extenuating circumstances I add to that, a life without passion to be served concurrently." Her gavel echoes and I am led from the courtroom. As I am taken away, all the color begins to drain away from the world at large and becomes shades of gray and black and white - just like the justice system I think to myself.
He calls around dinner time. I am heating up a can of vegetarian chili. It is tasteless and has some weird textural things going on. I roll unknown blobs of what I am hoping are protein around in my mouth. I had the same thing for lunch. I had the same can of crap everyday now for 2 weeks. I feel guilty when I eat anything tasty. Eating has lost its hold on me. We love all the same foods. No flesh foods, but sushi, salmon, fresh picked fruit and gorgeous veggies and generous amounts of spice and heat! He is an amazing chef and prepares meals that could be photographed for magazines. They are always beautifully arranged pieces of edible art. They are made with love.
From the second I take the call he is reading a love letter he has written me. In the background, I can hear shouts and clanging and commotion. I am trying to absorb his rushed tide of words but the noise is distracting. I ask him what all the noise is and he pauses and says, "Darling, this is no camp, this is more like a maximum security prison." Then the noise abruptly escalates and it sounds like someone is yelling at him. "I love you and I've gotta go right now this is a..." the call truncates and the line goes dead in my ear. I have no idea what is happening and I wait for a return call that never comes. After 9pm my time he no longer has phone access. At 9:30 I slide a DVD in the deck. The Tooth Fairy. It is perfectly juxtaposed with my entire life. It is funny, but I don't laugh. Not once.
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